Wide awake and dreaming

Here I am again on my blog. My neglected, boring, full of nothing blog. But why is that? If I'm writing, I'm doing something so it can't be boring or full of nothing. I shall treat it like cheap therapy. I don't care if it's interesting or not. It's good for me.

I have found out about so many different things lately or maybe I'm finally taking an interest in other things other than ME. Thinking about what's going on in my life all day long....whether I'm sleeping, eating, working or driving....what a waste of time! Just recently I have been paying attention to what people talk about...I'm not interrupting them because I think that if I don't say what I need to say at that moment, they won't listen. It's not true. The lightbulb went off and let me know that people will listen if YOU listen to them. They are not the people who raised you who didn't listen! These are not the people who meant well and did the best they can....I love my parents no matter what. God, it took forever to figure that out. But I am loving every minute of every little nugget I discover....I have opened myself up and that...is healing.

It's as if I have an open Google account in my soul now.

The guy tailgating me who's on the phone may not be an asshole. He may have a wife in the hospital about to give birth. IF he is an asshole, why would I feed on that and let it bug me for 6 seconds?

The lady who doesn't say "excuse me" or looks at me like I am a loser isn't necessarily impolite or a bitch. She might have something else on her mind. I might remind her of her best friend from college....whatever it is...it's not about ME.

I have opened up to the little things in everyday life. For example: Sleep is overrated. I slept too much yesterday and I am going to bed late tonight. Big deal. I'll sleep when I am tired. I won't blame my lack of sleep or too much sleep on anything that doesn't happen "a certain way" tomorrow. Like I have any control over it anyway. Ah, there's the rub: control. I can only control my actions. That's it.

I know it's annoying when I ramble. That's why I choose to do it here.

I love to write. I just fucking love it.

Thanks for reading. Good night!

So full of myself and sick of it!

Wow, look at me. I started blogging again. How could I have let such a thing go to the wayside? Did I not care? Did I get too self-absorbed in my bed of stinking pity? Did I let life get in the way? Hell yeah, I did. And it was quite a trip along the way back to reality, I must say.

I have found out so much about myself by looking away from that mirror of doubt, anger, hurt, sadness...shit, you name it, I felt it. I mean, really! WHY was I having to go through all of THIS???

Melissa finally got a fucking clue. Shit happens. Deal with it. Life happens. You deal with it. It doesn't have to be hard and it certainly doesn't have to make you a martyr!

My name is Melissa and I am a recovering martyr.

That's all I have right now.

And that's good enough.

Uh, wow. I can't believe I even remembered my password!!! I think I'll start blogging again. Writing is good for me and I need to do things that are good for me.

Time of the Month

It's official, bitches.

I am working quite a bit these days.

I wish I could just write an interesting and amusing account of what's been happening but all I can say is this...

If you're still out there, and you're still interested in my writing...thank you.

Random thoughts, happenings and such...

1. I just completed a video on YouTube with a spoken word duo...contact me for directions.

2. My dog HAD two ticks. In Oregon???

3. My oldest son just turned 22 years of age.

4. My little brother just turned 40....yeah, you heard me.

5. I lost my paycheck.

6. I've lost 18 pounds.

7. I found a wrinkle.

8. I love where I work.

9. I'm going to Mazatlan in May.

10. I'm still in physical pain from my surgery and my foot.

11. I have to go because Thor needs the computer for his science project.

12. I love and think about you, girls. This...you should always remember.

What a difference a week makes.

My work schedule changed....again. I'm not complainin', just sayin.'

TB broke his finger....again. Same finger, clean break this time instead of a fracture. He was bummed out because the doc said not to do TaeKwonDo for two weeks and he was up for his yellow stripe test a few days later...not to worry, though. The instructors are going to give him a modified test next week...such as breaking a board with his left hand instead of his right...and friends and family will be coming out to support him.

Doc said I could start exercising again and everything was tolerable to a point until I got brave and started swim aerobics again coupled with going back to work. The left twin is not happy. She is red about it!

My little brother is about to turn 40 and I will be celebrating with him by going to see him perform at Duff's Garage near downtown Portland. He has a lot of gigs anyway but this one will be special....and I'm on the guest list! No cover charge, bitches.

I'm so very grateful to be working again but it's an adjustment to say the least. My body clock is off and I have a lot of things going on at the same time. It's good for me. The circles around my eyes are temporary and I am somewhat proud to have them.

Goodbye, baby...for a little while

I am just heartbroken tonight. I'm finding it hard to go to sleep and it's because of what will happen with my godson tomorrow morning. He will stand before the powers that be and try his very best to be strong and accept the decision.
It doesn't even matter if he did anything wrong or not.
It doesn't matter what the truth is....any lies are disregarded at this point.
I'm praying that someone or something will come forward to change the probable outcome of this little boy's life for the next four years.
I love you, J.
Your mom and dad and sister love you and we will all stand by you.
Be strong, little Hercules.

Haiku II

Embrace the story
I hold on to the dream and
I accept the end

It's been awhile....

Hi everyone,
Yeah, I've been gone awhile but not really....sometimes I am gone from you but never away...so much has happened.
Where do I start?
Still recovering from the surgery and getting better every day. I'm still numb in many places and dealing with the psycholgical aspect of having five pounds removed from my body. There has been no headaches, neck aches, or back aches. But I still struggle with pain and trying to figure out how far I can go physically.
I am starting a new job next weekend.
I decided a few days ago that I needed to find a job and bang! the phone rings....it's my friend, the Mayor of Fist City....she asks if I'm looking for a job. I say yes and I got an interview and was hired hours later. I've been doing some voice over work for Audix Microphones and I'm also working on a video with a spoken word group, The Hydropods....check them out on YouTube...."Such Lofty Encounters." I'll be "starring" in their next video....more later about that project.
I didn't want to go back to bartending but I have no right being picky at a time like this....when so many people are losing their jobs every single day. I am sick to my stomach when I hear about so many jobs being cut and companies closing down left and right. It's scary.
So I start my new job next Saturday morning at the Stagecoach Saloon....it is an actual stagecoach stop from back in the day....the original wood floors are still there!
I'm working day shifts and I couldn't be more lucky...I'm off before Thor gets home from school.
I love you, bitches.

As Jeff Lynne would say...."Hold on tight to your dreams...."

Haiku

Fidgety can't sleep
Wonder what is on my mind
My skin seems to crawl

Bitch, it's cold out

If you've been watching the news, you know by now that I live in a Top Ten Most Snowiest city. Sweet! I haven't seen anything like this since the late '70's!

I've been taking lots of notes....inspired by the Murf, of course...for future posts. I've got pictures to share and little stories...like the next door neighbor who has shoveled massive amounts of snow onto my front yard to make way for his car. Um, it's okay, I guess. Maybe a little hey-is-it-cool-if-I-do-this would have been nice. I would have said yes! I'm just trying to figure out what is wrong with his front yard...oh well.

Note to self:
Do not open any windows. The snow is between the screen and the glass. It will all fall onto the carpet inside the bedroom. Now that was a bitch to clean up!

Discoveries during recovery

I have a torso!

I have got to get a full grip on the fact that I cannot do a lot of things right now. I had a bit of wound separation last night and it was enough to make me not care about refilling the pepper mill. The peppercorns are up above the stove. And I don't have to get the spatula to turn off the switch on the light over the stove. Big deal if it's on. Big deal if it's off.

The house will not fall apart.

I can't let the pain get away from me.

I have the greatest friends....far and wide....you know who you are...ahem, Murf and the Queen of Tehachapi....Kim!!! I miss you, girl.

I will get a job. Be grateful for the extension of my unemployment benefits.....thank you, Congress.

It could be worse.

There will be no formal Christmas tree this year and that's okay. The house looks beautiful with the white lights here and there. Well, there is a tabletop tree.

I will take as long as it takes to get totally healthy.

I can wait to get back to the gym.

P.O.D.

Post operative depression.

Yesterday was not fun. I woke up in a good mood and about an hour later I started doubting my decision to have the procedure. I made phonecalls to friends and nurses and lions and tigers, oh my! No one was home.

OMG, they're gone, they're gone!!!

I'm not supposed to look like this! Okay, the logical side of me KNOWS it takes weeks for the swelling to go down. The intelligent side of me KNEW what to expect.

I miss my lover. We're having to sleep in separate beds because I have to be on my back for a month and there is no room for elbows...especially the ones that might nail my new girls in the middle of the night. Needless to say, I'm sleeping like shit....which adds to the depression. And I can't even hug my sweetheart....or anyone for that matter. And I am a hugger, people!

I didn't even know there was such a thing as P.O.D. until I went online to find another girl like me.

There was this life-saving website dedicated to BR girls like me. I printed out their list of how to handle this phase of the post op. I was aghast at how many items on the list applied to me. I mean, do these people live in my head?

Good news is....today is a better day and my little boy wants waffles with fresh strawberries. And I'm going to make them because the pain is better today.

Reigning from bed, pt. II

Went to the doctor on Friday for my first post-op appointment and I saw myself for the first time since the surgery. I was taken aback somewhat by how things looked. I'm very swollen so it gave me an inaccurate image at first. Dr. Aubrey is amazing. She was empathetic about the pain and told me that things would change physically as time passed. I knew there would be some shock because the Murf told me so!

I have rediscovered a new wardrobe, bitches!

I have two velvet bras dying to be worn! I bought them years ago knowing that someday I would be able to wear them.

I have not had one headache. My neck and back feel fabulous. I can breathe better....seriously.

But I did way too much over between Thanksgiving and Sunday and I am revisiting the in/on the bed habit which means I'm done with this post. Besides, Tyra's about to start! She was a Victoria's Secret model, y'know.

Reigning from bed

I've been home from hospital since Thursday and am feeling better. I went days without sleep and last night was the first time I stayed asleep....for the most part.

I am restricted from doing just about anything. God, I miss showers! Washing my hair over the sink and sponge baths are primitive chores but I appreciate them so much.

Had to go to Urgent Care yesterday but all is well.

I am really happy with the surgery. I haven't actually seen myself in the mirror yet.

In the meantime, I have not been online much....this is my third time since a week ago.

Just checking in. I'll see you all later. Back to bed.

Oh, and TB is being the best little nurse. He has all this week off from school which is good because I need someone around. Mom came and did housework which meant the world to me. I love her so much.

Peace out, bitches.

I may have overreacted with my last post.

"At what level of education is required to UNDERSTAND your blog?"

Told you....not sleeping much.

I am disgusted. I know I am a good writer. I have written well....I know this. I have seen my journals from the past 34 years and said, "Damn, girl!"

But I haven't written anything that great since I started this blog. And I found out the hard way.

I submitted my URL to this "level of readability" website and found out that I have been writing at high school level. How embarrassing! I've been to college!

I'm just too occupied with life at the moment to write well.

I haven't been sleeping much. I'm anxious about upcoming events.

Will I find a job? Will my surgery be a success? Will the kitchen truly get finished before the end of the year?

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Right?

Boots and Valium

Bitches, I went back. I couldn't shake the boots off my conscience and went back to the store on Monday.

Duhhhhhhhh....what? The cashier didn't know what to do so she called the manager who told me the boots didn't set off the alarm because the white plastic "thing" was unattached.

"We can't give you the money back. You'll have to take them or give them back."

I slid the boots towards her and said, "I am bringing them back!"

"Oooohhhhh! We're not used to this!"

I was thanked for my honesty in front of a huge line of people....this took awhile....and trotted off to find the perfect boots and I did! These are fabulous Nike boots great for rain and snow. The best part? They were $90.00 and I got them for $30.00!!!

Okay, now let's get serious. I am a mad woman with a list of a thousand things to do before next Tuesday. Some of you know what I mean.

Off to the dentist to take care of two tiny cavities....got my Valium so should be okay. I was drilled once without anesthesia and I it has screwed me up for life. The first time I went to my new dentist, he was taken aback by my anxiety and crappy dental work. So now I get these little pills to take before my appointments. It still freaks me out. My hair is standing up on end as I type.

Steal of the Century

I had an intense urge to go shopping yesterday and practically "stole" almost everything I bought. As it turned out, I inadvertently shoplifted a pair of boots. Allow me to elaborate.

Let's talk about my crazy bargains. I found a big Guess bag on clearance at $41.99 marked down from $135....a pair of purple suede Isotoner gloves for $6.99, down from $30.00. Here's the best one of all...get ready....a BCBG Max Azria sweater hoodie for $19.99 that was originally $138.00!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I bought $303 worth of merchandise for a paltry $69.00 and no taxes, bitches! I love Oregon.

Here's where it got weird. I also bought a pair of boots and when I brought them home, I decided that I wasn't sure I liked them. The boots were not on the receipt and I'm trying to figure out how in the heck I walked out without setting off the alarm. A friend says not to worry about the $17.99....down from $69.00! I shrugged it off but then it occurred to me that if I keep them, does that mean I literally stole them? I would have never known had I looked at the receipt.

I want to take them back but I don't want it to look like I lifted them and my guilty conscience brought me back to the store. I mean, the alarm did not go off, right?

I also shaved $40.00 off my monthly bills. Yeah!!

YES WE DID!!!!

What a fabulous election night! Champagne and lots of victory chants and dances. I'm going to try and figure out how to put the video of my friend and my son dancing onto this blog from my phone.

I ate something funky and I'm not going to my swim class tonight.

Eh, I don't have much enthusiasm for writing at this moment.

More later...

Go out there and vote!!!